傷口

沒有人需要為誰的快樂負責
哭過了 笑過了
時間始終還在繼續著
回憶結冰了 心痛了
再多的不捨得還是改變不了甚麼

別來無恙

好久好久了，原來

當自己已經慢慢習慣了

一個人

其實一點也不難過

因為知道時間不會為誰停留

輾轉反側

曾經最好的朋友可能下一刻就只能擦肩而過

也不回頭

然後感慨然後繼續往前走

然後輕輕微笑

生命中曾經有這麼一個人為你哭為你笑

也許淚水也有意識

會選擇為值得的人而流

只是

值得的人

往往不會選擇讓 它

不值得的人

一點看見它的資格都沒有

然後

眼淚學會了堅強

學會不再輕易放棄自己

寧願在眼眶裡拼命流轉

執著讓我學會堅強

讓我懂得

長大不過是一個過程

不是犧牲

當

發現自己已經無路可走

何不停下腳步

深呼吸

看看自己腳下的小石頭

忍受著自己的重量

也無怨無悔

只因為

它也相信

當一個人需要支持的時候

它能夠做到的

就只是默默躺著

不需要宣傳

因為你的人生是你的

下一秒

當你選擇繼續前進的時候

你甚至不會記得那小石頭的模樣

選擇讓情緒暴走

有時候也是一種責任

My world 

is falling apart 

and yet 

the only thing I could do 

is 

nothing.

Sometimes, I just wish that I could go all out of control and cry as hard as I could so that the tears could wash away every single bit of despair of my life. I don’t know how long more I could take this and I don’t know who actually cares, and what it matters now is I feel like I am a complete fucked up that I don’t even deserve to go to hell. Screw all the thoughts I save for others while it’s getting so cheap people won’t even care about. Screw all the acting nice I am trying that eventually put me in a situation I could hardly say no. Screw everything I care that eventually walk out of my life I don’t even have a chance to say goodbye.

If there’s God up there, thanks for giving me this miserable life that I could hardly enjoy, instead, I have to make fun of myself to feel better. And if You are kind enough, please take it back before I murder anyone else before taking my own life. THANK YOU IF YOU HEAR ME OR SEE THIS.

So Long

The reason I have to stay strong, is to prevent myself from being weak again.


There is no one I could rely on, whenever I need a shoulder;
There is nothing I could be certain, when I was to make a decision;
There is no time for me to hesitate, when I must move on;
This is life, and this is my life, like it or not, I can’t just end it because it’s not just mine, no matter how much I would want to.


If there was a reason I would wanna live on,
Would be the smile on her face, though it’s not for me;
Would be the words everyone said, though sometimes it disheartened;
Would be the love they showered on me, though it comes with a price;
But what could I expect more? When there’s already hopeless and I could not even shed a tear.


2001, I lost faith in friendship;
2003, I lost faith in love;
2008, I lost faith in hope;
2010, I lost faith in family;
2011, I lost faith in myself;
I don’t know what else can I lose after all these years.


I wish something can claim my soul, so to prove that it’s still valuable.

現狀

不覺得自己在做甚麼對的事情，似乎一切一切都被否決然後被忽略，就算自己真的付出過，真心的無奈的，都沒有好結果。在乎的人我不希望增加他們的負擔，所以選擇把一切放在心上。


知道自己從來不是一個好的選擇，我認命；知道自己不應該奢望甚麼，我認命；知道世界從來都不公平，我認命；只是太多太多的看開，似乎只會讓我對世界失望。就算不至於絕望，可是我寧可逃避，讓自己可以舒服地松口氣。


捨棄了又如何？專注不一定就會達到理想。


越來越討厭這個世界。

Disheartening

I thought I would cry, but I didn’t
Never had I realized I had been toughened, to even control over such awful moment
When I heard about the truth that my heart shattered


I knew that I was ready
So the damage was really minimal
Yet breaking down is so tempting
So I smiled and looked afar


How I hoped I could cry

My love is unconditional, for photography and violin.

<3

hahahaha

And Finally,

If only life can be simpler, I think I would be much happier.


I tried to think as little as I could, trying to be happier as I could be, being with friends, friends that worth every smile. And so I tried to laugh even I didn’t mean to, smile when I didn’t want to make a choice or answer a question. I told myself I am all right being alone, as BEING ALONE ≠ LONELY.


I wonder how people will judge me, for being such an arrogant person with a bossy attitude. Well.. I always wanted to get things done before it’s due, and thus I boss around, hoping to have longer moment of peace of mind. But who actually care?


I don’t like being pessimistic. It got me nowhere and I couldn’t even help myself escaping. But, do I have a choice? Being nice to others sound much easier than being nice to myself, as I always thought that people will eventually realize how much they are treasured, but it doesn’t, my thoughts, were plain lies.


I wish someone could really try to understand me, someone I care. I am human, too, and such I am not invulnerable. I cry, but I won’t let anyone see me doing so.


I wish the moment I wake up tomorrow, I will really forget that I am, or rather, I was a human, so that I can just do whatever I want to do, not just what I need to do. But, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN..

回到過去

曾經永遠是美麗的，因為再也回不去了。

所以總會後悔，然後歎息。

只是，

我真的很想玩RO，就算從新開始也願意。

如果明天

如果明天，你睡醒發現自己不是自己， 你會怎樣反應？
我知道這樣想很無聊，不過為甚麼人生就不能無聊一點呢？
每天忙忙碌碌為生活奔波，然後才發現自己失去了很多錢買不了的，然後後悔當初為何自己總是覺得錢是那麼重要。
人生從來沒有take 2, 開心不開心日子還是一樣要過，如果連自己都不想讓自己開心的話，還有誰在乎呢？


活著就是要活得像自己，才不會白活。
應該是這樣吧。

Thanks for letting me know, biologically related isn’t something that fancy.
You just failed to be a brother.


23 years, only hatred of life grows stronger.

As If I Don’t Care

Life sucks, yeah seriously, when you’re losing grip of every single shit. You are worrying about your future, you’re worrying about finance, and you can’t even make your mind to give up on something you really have to.

I am imperfect, like everyone does, and that’s fine I know, but I can’t stop myself from drowning into the whirlpool called self-pity. That’s sad, yeah it is. But nothing I could do about it. Standing at 1.60m, I am even shorter than most of the girls, even though I won’t wanna admit that. But I couldn’t do ANYTHING, yeah I just couldn’t.

I try to put on a smiling face, so that life can be less miserable, well at least to others. I don’t really care if I was hurt, as long as everyone is having a nice day ahead. I don’t mind doing stuff alone, as long as I know people out there could enjoy whatever they really want. I don’t mind standing in the MRT station, waiting for hours, even though I would look like an idiot, as long as I know the one I was waiting would reach. Life’s unfair, I always know that, and yeah, I don’t give a shit, because I know I don’t deserve what I want.

Sometimes, I just wish I could vanish into nowhere, no one could ever see me again. The sense of belonging is depleting, and I just found myself so vulnerable that I couldn’t stand myself for being so weak. I try not to hold back my tears, yet it’s not falling. I’m not sure if that’s really a good thing, but I know I do need a break, even a short one. But I can’t, that’s unfair to others.

I don’t know what love is, and why do I ever fall in love, when I know I am just a dumbass. I always think that I don’t deserve others’ care or love, so that I try to pull myself out, try not to get hurt. So I armor myself, try to protect myself from potential hazard, being defensive to whatever seems to be unsecured. Yet I couldn’t help myself stop thinking of her, even though I know it’s gonna cost me so much more to tell her how much I love her, than to stay as friends forever. Better of, I shall just back off and act as if I am all right, even though I know I won’t be.

Sometimes, I admire those with simple mind. I don’t mind being called stupid, because that actually suggests that you could think less. I had already done so much mistakes I don’t wanna mention, and I didn’t learn from them. I had told myself I shouldn’t repeat what I had done wrong, but I am still doing it. That sucks.

I know I shouldn’t take things for granted, yes I do. I know I won’t be a good leader, just like I couldn’t be a good team player. I know that I won’t be a good partner, just like I won’t be a good friend to others. I know that I am pessimistic, just like I know no one actually cares about what I am thinking. I know that everyone has life, just like I know how stupid I am.

But, I could never tell you how much I care, even for the slightest things that had already happened, even though you might not care..

Wishlist

I wish that...
I can have a new pair of earpieces, best if they are Westone 3 or UM3x or SM3
I can have a Canon EF 100mm L Macro HIS USM, for my interest in macro photography
I can tell her what I feel about her, in such a way that it won’t ruin our friendship (best if it boosts)...


That’s all I could think of now =)

怎麼了

發現自己比以前更加猶豫了，應該不是好事。
只是，越來越難以令自己可以相信自己的判斷。
我也需要別人的意見，卻從來不懂得如何表達。
怎麼了…

當遺憾變成習慣

我，不想就這樣。
想比誰都更加瞭解你，卻發現我越來越不瞭解自己。
以為夢醒了可以看得更加清晰，原來也只是一相情願而已。
討厭遺憾，卻越來越習慣遺憾…

Resolutions for the year 2011:

 1. Improve my stamina by running, swimming
 2. Improve violin playing skills! As well as sight reading skill
 3. Improve photo-shooting skills!! Maybe try to organize shooting outing at least once a month
 4. Upgrade my violin! 
 5. Upgrade my photography tools!!! Buy at least a 100mm Macro before year end
 6. Buy iPhone4 White! If iPhone5 (or whatsoever) launches then might reconsider
 7. Pick up at least one new skill
 8. Visit Singapore Zoo, Jurong Bird park
 9. Join SP Poly 50!
10. Go Penang with Pingsen!!!!!!
11. Change to a better me!


You know what, I just realized how important she is, in my life... HAHA

默默

也許難過只是想得太多
孤單不一定就會寂寞
只想默默陪著你走，就算從來沒有被在乎過
你再溫柔的笑容始終不屬於我

犧牲和偉大

就算再燦爛的煙火，當能量用完了，也只會恢復夜晚的寂靜，就算歡呼聲再大那又如何。
很認真地想要實現夢想，是一種原動力，也是一種壓力。
知道現實很多時候都與夢想背道而馳，可是卻討厭隨波逐流，因為知道當下才是最真實的。
所以勇敢地追夢，就算風浪再大。
只是，一切，都是那麼地不切實際。


很多時候，我們都需要犧牲些甚麼來換取想要的，可能這就是真理，所謂的等物交換。
只是，你往往不知道想要的是不是和你的犧牲對等。
然後你一味地犧牲再犧牲。
當再回首，才發現，自己不知不覺已經付出了超過自己能夠給的。
這時候，可能會嘩然，可能會後悔。
可是怎樣都好，一切都已經發生了。


我不想為過去的種種懺悔，只是，我卻沒有自信，自己所做的一切一切，會不會在很久之後，變成我後悔的理由。