As If I Don’t Care

Life sucks, yeah seriously, when you’re losing grip of every single shit. You are worrying about your future, you’re worrying about finance, and you can’t even make your mind to give up on something you really have to.

I am imperfect, like everyone does, and that’s fine I know, but I can’t stop myself from drowning into the whirlpool called self-pity. That’s sad, yeah it is. But nothing I could do about it. Standing at 1.60m, I am even shorter than most of the girls, even though I won’t wanna admit that. But I couldn’t do ANYTHING, yeah I just couldn’t.

I try to put on a smiling face, so that life can be less miserable, well at least to others. I don’t really care if I was hurt, as long as everyone is having a nice day ahead. I don’t mind doing stuff alone, as long as I know people out there could enjoy whatever they really want. I don’t mind standing in the MRT station, waiting for hours, even though I would look like an idiot, as long as I know the one I was waiting would reach. Life’s unfair, I always know that, and yeah, I don’t give a shit, because I know I don’t deserve what I want.

Sometimes, I just wish I could vanish into nowhere, no one could ever see me again. The sense of belonging is depleting, and I just found myself so vulnerable that I couldn’t stand myself for being so weak. I try not to hold back my tears, yet it’s not falling. I’m not sure if that’s really a good thing, but I know I do need a break, even a short one. But I can’t, that’s unfair to others.

I don’t know what love is, and why do I ever fall in love, when I know I am just a dumbass. I always think that I don’t deserve others’ care or love, so that I try to pull myself out, try not to get hurt. So I armor myself, try to protect myself from potential hazard, being defensive to whatever seems to be unsecured. Yet I couldn’t help myself stop thinking of her, even though I know it’s gonna cost me so much more to tell her how much I love her, than to stay as friends forever. Better of, I shall just back off and act as if I am all right, even though I know I won’t be.

Sometimes, I admire those with simple mind. I don’t mind being called stupid, because that actually suggests that you could think less. I had already done so much mistakes I don’t wanna mention, and I didn’t learn from them. I had told myself I shouldn’t repeat what I had done wrong, but I am still doing it. That sucks.

I know I shouldn’t take things for granted, yes I do. I know I won’t be a good leader, just like I couldn’t be a good team player. I know that I won’t be a good partner, just like I won’t be a good friend to others. I know that I am pessimistic, just like I know no one actually cares about what I am thinking. I know that everyone has life, just like I know how stupid I am.

But, I could never tell you how much I care, even for the slightest things that had already happened, even though you might not care..