Life hasn't been kind and thoughts had been generated on whether or not I am doing the right thing. It seems, pretty much, I am just as selfish as one could be to only trying to satisfy my wants rather than the family's needs. I guess it couldn't help but I would have to agree with such thoughts. Unfortunate or not, my family was rich enough to fulfil all basic needs and sometimes, some luxurious goods. But that's all we have, and that's all we're willing to spend. However, higher education was never part of it.
The world was kind enough that as long as you put in efforts, you won't have to die of starvation. However, it was also cruel that the return you get would never always correspond to the efforts you paid. This is how it works and it had been working fine, at least for most generations in human history. Everyone has a role in civilization but not everyone has the privilege to be remembered. Some might not mind being forgotten someday, for this is how it works. Is it?
Back to something micro. I have no idea what I could contribute to make my family lives better, for I am still looking for my purposes in life. 25 years had passed and to be frank, I don't know why I should be breathing at this moment. It seems that I had been leeching from my family to satisfy all my wants rather than doing anything good to them. At least, my elder brother would agree till now. Money seems to be the foundation of this family and it's all it matters, on top of the so called family tie that is so abstract you could never assume it presents. I have difficulty describing the idea of family, if you would ask me, for it's so vague, to my experience that I have no idea how a family would actually respond to any incident on the family members. To date, I still doubt I am considered part of the family.
I was never good in human relationship. I have friends, but I have no faith in myself in maintaining friendship. Let alone romance. Every so often I would doubt my ability to converse, it always seems that I could never convey my message appropriately. Be it wrong timing, or just out of context. I could not help but to apologize, very often, for what I think I said inappropriately. But things never get better, as if I am not learning from my mistakes, which I couldn't help but hate myself so much on that. It was awful how useless I could be and I couldn't do anything about it. Yes, I screwed up. Always.
Today, I think I am just too stressed to even think of ending all this shit at once, for good. I know that everyone has their worries in lives and no one should be responsible for others' difficulties. I couldn't help to start thinking that all this reality is just a form of transaction and I am always running short of currencies to trade. I am poor not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I wish I could undo this existence of mine for the better of everyone.
